I normally write blog post ideas in my planner. Presently, I know what I’m writing about for the next two weeks. And when I write an idea down, I almost always go with it. Almost. What I’m writing today has been postponed twice. Originally I was supposed to write about this the day I wrote about John Mahoney. I rescheduled it to last wednesday- which I then realized was Valentine’s Day. Well, I needed a special post for Valentine’s – didn’t I? But- here it is – the post that has been pushed off twice.
A few months ago I wrote about how I had lost eight pounds in the first two months of my diet. yay.
Today I write that I haven’t lost any weight since then.
Yeah. This sucks.
My first thought is : karma. I got cocky about having lost weight in the beginning. I felt invincible. The holidays came and my goal was to maintain my weight. Which I did. I ate just enough at parties and gatherings to stay where I was weightwise. I was stoked that I did great at that – I had conquered the secret of eating well during the holidays. I was a Goddess.
See- this was my downfall. I was Icarus flying too close to the sun. And now my wings were melting.
See, I haven’t been able to get back into the groove of losing weight. I haven’t been eating as thoughtfully as I need to be in order to lose more weight. Which is fine if you are content with your weight. The problem is: I am not content with my present weight. Which means I alternate between cranky and sad as far as my weight is concerned. I had a day where i sort of binge ate. See, I’m an emotional eater: something goes bad, I take comfort in food. Bad habit. If something is good, I use food as a reward. Bad habit.
I don’t know what I’m more mad about- not losing the weight or not being able to control my emotions. Which makes me more mad about myself. Downward spiral. I had a sort of binge eating episode- I had an entirely carb filled day- carbs and I don’t agree- they just blow up my body so I was essentially being self destructive.
And then I had to wonder: did I keep pushing the writing of this post off for some psychological reason? Was I trying to not actually deal with my emotions? Was i trying to make believe that I wasn’t upset or pissed off? Did I think that seeing the words on the screen would make everything too real?
Too much thought for a Friday? Well, it doesn’t matter cause here it is, on the page.
So today I am going to try to deal with whatever crap is running through my head. I’m going to act in a positive way and try to lose weight again in a healthy manner. I’m no expert, but I’m going to say that diets fail because of the brain. If you want to lose weight you have to monitor your attitude, your feelings, your behaviors.
And so I begin again
Call me Phoenix.