It’s A Funny Thing About Love

You all know my idea process by now: I get an idea, I jot it down in the next open space in my planner, I look at the idea the night before I’m going to write about it, and then, in the morning, I write. And I normally stick to this plan- I rarely change up an order or switch ideas- I just write what I planned to write about. Except for July 4.  I had written down an idea for July 4, but I realized that I wasn’t going to want to write a “real” post on July 4, so I moved the idea for July 4 to today.  Last night I looked at my idea, which was talking about how much I loved some quotes from the new Allison Pearson novel.  I then looked at the quotes I had bookmarked, to refresh my memory about what was special about them.  And in reading these quotes, I realized that so much of my writing the past two weeks has in some part been formed by these quotes. Subconsciously, I have been thinking about love and soul mates and many of the things I have touched on.  So for the third day in a row, I am going to talk a little about love.

Let’s start with one kind of love: book love.  Years ago, I found a writing soulmate in Allison Pearson, and her book “I Don’t Know How She Does It”.  The writing is real- it’s the same emotions and feelings many Mothers feel on a daily basis.  It is also clever, witty and laugh out loud funny at points.  And maybe Pearson’s next work disappointed me just a little, but when I opened up her new one, “How Hard Can it Be” I was instantly transported back to writers lust: I want to write like Allison Pearson.

Pearson manages to make me laugh and tug at my heartstrings all at the same time.  She makes me have emotion.  She makes me feel.  She makes me think.  This is it for me: novel perfection- emotion, feelings and thinking.  Did I say that I long to write like Allison Pearson?

“How Hard Can it Be” might be considered by some as a beach read- something light and fun to pass the time.  And it is light and fun and easy to read- but to call it that alone would be a disservice to writers who choose to entertain with their work.  I find that she really nails feelings about love better than most (certainly better than that insipid book I talked about the other day)

Quote 1: “That is the issue.  What matters is not who you go to bed with, but who you can talk to- I mean, really talk to- when you’re lying around afterward.”

Analysis- I actually used a similar line when I wrote my soulmate piece the other day.  I actually think about this exact subject a lot.  Intimate relationships require intimacy and communication.  If you have intimacy and communication, your relationship has the basic building blocks- if you don’t?  I don’t know- how’s that working out for you?

Quote 2: “But then there are all the minor reasons.  Like, you know, the thought of being happy for the rest of your life because you’re making the other person happy.  Giving them a chance to prove that they can do the same for you.  Peace on earth.  Justice for all.  The little things.”

Analysis- Isn’t that the essence of love?  Knowing that someone else is happy because you’re in their life? And yes, I know you have to start out with a happy person- no person can make you happy if you’re not- but when the thought of someone special puts a smile on your face for no other reason than that they exist in the same sphere as you?  I’m smiling right this very second just thinking about those I love, and love me in return.

Quote 3: “He loved me.  And I loved him.  Don’t we know within a few minutes of meeting someone if we have to adjust the frequency?  I knew instantly with him, we had our own wavelength (do not adjust your set) and I remember that burst of pure happiness.  Only very rarely do you get that sense, once or twice in a lifetime, if you’re lucky.  We were lucky.  Several billion people on the planet and we found each other.  How great is that?”

Analysis: Ok- obviously, though I didn’t recognize it at the time, this quote was running through my brain for probably a month now.  Amazing the subconscious, isn’t it?

Conclusion: At the root of everything there is love, or lack of love ( indifference or hate if you like those terms better).  Love drives us, even when we don’t realize we are thinking about it.  Love- hate- indifference. But mainly love. That’s the human experience all rolled up into a tight little ball.

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My One and Only

Soul mates.  This concept has always intrigued me, and I have written about it before, but Janie recently wrote about it, so I thought I needed to rethink the issue.

So let’s start with the big question: Do you believe that there is a person out there in the world who is the perfect person for you?  For arguments sake, we can also consider the “7 person rule” which is that there are actually 7 perfect people for you in the world.

Do either of these theories make sense?  (I know- I’m asking you to think on a northern hemisphere summer day.)

Statistically, one has to bet against the theory of soul mates, because mathematically it just doesn’t add up.  If there is one, or even seven people in the world that are perfect matches, what is the chance of finding them? World population is about 7.6 billion.  Think about your odds…. So, maybe your soul mate exists, but what are the chances that you will meet them?

Which brings me to my next question: How do you know?  How do you know you’ve met your soul mate?  Do fireworks go off in the background? Do birds sing and animals frolic around you?  Do people spontaneously break into song as you and your soul mate walk down the street?

Let’s go back to the math/science approach for this one: chemistry.  No matter how you look at it, two people must have chemistry.  Even with friendships, there must be some sort of spark of attraction that unites two people together.

So how do you know the difference between real chemistry and lust?

Yeah- I’m still working on this one too.  Because if someone is to be your romantic  soulmate,  there must be physical attraction.  But, if every person you were physically attracted to was your soulmate?  You do the math and the logic on that one…

So, the chemistry must have physical properties.  What other properties does it need to contain?

Intellectual.  There must be intellectual chemistry.   You need to be able to talk to your soulmate.  You need to want to talk to your soulmate. The goal should be to be excited to go to bed with your partner, and just as excited to wake up to them the next day.  You should be thrilled to share the routine details with them, as well as the more thought provoking observations.  You shouldn’t need a buffer- you and soulmate should be able to find things to talk about on all levels without anyone or anything else. Now some of you are thinking, how can you always have something to talk about with your significant other?  And then I want you to think about what happens when people stop communicating with someone else…

Now how about your heart.  Hearts are often used to show love – so if we’re discussing soulmates, we must include hearts.  Here’s my theory on the heart:  your soulmate must have the ability to make your heart race.  A word, a look, anything that literally makes your heart start pounding.  Have you ever felt your heart race?  The thump thump thump where you see your chest rise and fall, rise and fall?  All your senses are engaged- it’s a total body experience! No other feeling compares to the feel of your heart racing because you are with the person you love- no drug, no stimulant is as good as this feeling, this natural high.  It makes your whole body shake with excitement.

But then, conversely, your soulmate also makes your heart calm.  They have the ability to make you know that no matter what, everything is OK, that they are your safe space. Those simple conversations where the world just fits, like all the pieces of a 1000 piece puzzle are joined together to form the most perfect picture….

So those are my criteria for a soulmate- 1) physical attraction, 2) mental stimulation and 3) they make you feel. (I spent longer thinking of a way to phrase this then I spent on whole blog- would love it if someone came up with a better phrase because making you feel is sort of stupid)

But now to the next part: how many people make you feel all these things simultaneously?

Is there one person who is just a better fit?

Obviously, I would love some audience participation on this one:

  1. Is there such a thing as a soulmate?
  2. What constitutes a soulmate?
  3. How do you know?

Discuss….

 

 

I ______________ That

When faced with the title sentence, which word do you normally use:

  1. Like
  2. Love
  3. Am indifferent to
  4. Hate

Seriously, think about how often you phrase something like this, how often you make a bold declarative statement, and if you use of the above words more than the others.

Are you thinking?

Let’s start with like.  I know we all “like” things.  I expect a bunch of you to “like” this post…we write so that others read our words, and get some sort of feeling about what we have written.  But I don’t mean social media likes.  I mean, how often do you utter the words “I like _________”?

I’m going to give you some examples:

I like using cloth napkins when I’m eating.  I think they cover my lap better, are softer when I wipe my mouth, and are better for the environment because I don’t throw them away.  I like cloth napkins.

Love.  How often do you use the word love in a day?  5 times?  50 times?  None?  I tell my daughter that I love her every morning when she walks out the door.  I love hot tea with milk and sugar.  Count your loves.

Am Indifferent to.  I rarely use these exact words on a daily basis, but there are things I have absolutely no opinion on.  Coke or pepsi?  Doesn’t matter.  Are there things around you that you don’t care enough about to form an opinion?

Hate.  How often do you use the word hate?  I hated that book.  I hate that movie.  I hate _______.  Seriously, how often do you use the word, or think the word every day?  How many things do you feel so strongly about that you use the word hate?

Take five minutes.  Tabulate your results.

How many times did you use each word?  Is there anything that stands out?  Have you used one word more than another?  Does anyone have Hate leading the pack?

We all hate things.  We all are allowed to hate things.  I hate anchovies- really can’t stand them. And that’s fine.  Hating something is fine.

But do you hate more than you love, like or are indifferent to?

Now, before you get crazy, I’m not advocating becoming “Susie Sunshine”, or “Polyanna”.  I’m not handing out rose colored glasses, or handing anyone a bucket of sand.  I just want you to think about what words are filling your thoughts, dreams, prayers and your time.  I want you to think about what words are making up your life.  If the majority of your words are words of hate, how do you think you are going to feel inside?

Try to have a balance of those four basic ideas as you are going about your day.  If you find yourself constantly repeating the same thought, try thinking again.  If you write a post about something that makes you mad, or that you hate, try to balance out the next post by writing about something you like.  Or, as a spin, write about how to fix the problem of the thing you hate or that makes you mad.  There are negative things in life: how do you make them into a positive.

Are we clear on this weeks homework?  First, we analyze how often we use these words.  Then we figure out how to balance our thoughts out.  I’m not aiming for positivity awards:  the goal is balance.

Whop wants to win the first “Balanced Thought Award”? (don’t get too excited- I don’t create memes…)

 

 

 

Valentines Day 2018

On Valentines Day, I will leave you with the lyrics to my favorite love song.  I know it’s not a song that most people will pick to celebrate a day of love, but it resonates with me.  When I think of love, I think of this song.  This is my gift to you!  Happy Valentines Day!

Patience
Guns N’ Roses

One, two, one, two, three, four
Shed a tear ’cause I’m missin’ you
I’m still alright to smile
Girl, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you’re in my heart now
Said woman take it slow, and it’ll work itself out fine
All we need is just a little patience
Said sugar make it slow and we’ll come together fine
All we need is just a little patience (Patience)
Mm, yeah
I sit here on the stairs
‘Cause I’d rather be alone
If I can’t have you right now, I’ll wait dear
Sometimes I get so tense but I can’t speed up the time
But you know love there’s one more thing to consider
Said woman take it slow and things will be just fine
You and I’ll just use a little patience
Said sugar take the time ’cause the lights are shining bright
You and I’ve got what it takes to make it
We won’t fake it, I’ll never break it
‘Cause I can’t take it
Little patience, mm yeah, mm yeah
Need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more patience, yeah (I’ve been walking the streets at night, just trying to get it right)
A little patience, yeah (Its hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like being stuck in the crowd)
Could use some patience, yeah (And the streets don’t change but maybe the names)
(I ain’t got time for the game ’cause I need you)
Gotta have more patience, yeah (Yeah, yeah but I need you)
All need some patience (Ooh I need you, whoa I need you)
Just a little patience is all you need (Ooh, this time, ah)
Songwriters: (USA 2) SLASH, IZZY STRADLIN, DUFF MC KAGAN, STEVEN ADLER, W. AXL ROSE
© Universal Music Publishing Group
Data from: LyricFind

Why Valentines

Back in the early days of our relationship, Husband and I did not celebrate Valentine’s Day.  Hallmark holiday we called it.  Day specifically intended to make people spend money.

Then, when our daughter was born, we still didn’t celebrate it with each other, but we made sure we had things for her.  Little presents, candy, whatever.  In elementary school I watched as she made little Valentines Cards to give to her classmates.  I remember how excited she was to make a little cardboard mailbox in school, and come home with a box filled with little notes and candy and whatever else kids put in the boxes.  Valentines Day had become another reason to celebrate my daughter.

Then a few years ago, Husband and I began celebrating Valentine’s Day.  No presents, (we all know that I hate receiving presents) but we would go to dinner. And it is nice to go out on Valentines Day, even if it’s an overpriced prix fixe menu.  As long as you go out during the rest of the year too.

Here’s the thing:  it’s supposed to be a day to celebrate your relationship.  But you should try to celebrate your relationship at least once a week.  All year.

I know.  Babysitter.  Expensive.  Exhaustion.  Lack of free time.   I get all that- been there, done that so to speak.  But figure out a way to celebrate your relationship.  One night, stay up a little later and watch a movie or tv show.  Play a game.  Get up 20 minutes early to have coffee together before the rest of the house is up.  Something.  Anything.  Just once a week.

Because relationships need to be worked on.  Relationships need to be nurtured. Your relationship should be one the top priorities in your life.  If it’s not, you seriously have to ask yourself why it isn’t.

On top of spending time with your significant other, I want you to think about it another way:  think about what lesson you are teaching your children.  Children don’t learn from what we say.  Children learn from what we do.  They learn from our actions.  If we show them that relationships don’t need to be worked on, that our significant others aren’t important, what lessons are they going to being to their own relationships?  What kind of partners are they going to end up being?  Your children are watching how you and your partner treat one another.  They’re watching.  Remember that.

Treat your partner with courtesy and respect.  Fight fair (because kids should see you get into and out of arguments).  And show them the love.  Show them the wanting to spend time together.  Show them that you want to be alone with your partner.

Because if you don’t respect your partner, or treat them with courtesy, or fight fair, or show them love, or want to spend time together, or want to be alone with them- if you are not making a little effort to be with them:  what are you doing with that partner?

And there’s your Valentine’s message…..

 

That’s What I Like About You

My blog friend G Sandwich wrote a great post the other day about writing.  Sometimes as a journalist she (and every other journalist in the known world) would need to file copy, so they would “milk” an already written article – basically rewrite the story using mainly the same facts.  The other option is to write a “follow-up”.  This is where the majority of the new story is actually new, but just brings up different viewpoints or more info.  Here’s hoping that todays post is a follow-up and not a milk.

Last week I wrote about saying I Love you unconditionally.   My blogging friend Deep As Thought commented that sometimes she would like important people in her life to say, not necessarily I love you (though I think everyone wants that) but “I like you because ….”  That got me thinking.

Growing up, my Mother was very critical.  In 3rd grade, I remember getting a 95 on a test.  I was proud of myself.  I went home and told my Mom.  her response: “Well, if you’d studied harder you would have had a 100.” ( No- my Mother was not nominated for parent of the year that year, or any year since.)  These words from my Mother never got less harsh as time passed, but guess what, my grades got worse.  I stopped studying and doing homework.  How I managed to escape High School with an average somewhere in the B range is a testament to being somehow smart enough to get through a test. What I lacked in actual book knowledge I made up for in an uncanny ability to figure out multiple choice questions.  In my teenage mind, my Mother was not going to appreciate anything I did, so why should I try? No- I hadn’t yet learned the art of doing things for myself.  Again, my Mom was so controlling, I didn’t think having my own thoughts and actions was possible. She did not like who I was. Thanks Mom.

My Mothers words and actions continued to dominate my thoughts and actions.  This lasted for way too long.  I had a long line of mistakes and missteps that can be directly attributed to my weird relationship with her.  Because at the root of everything, my Mother did not like me.  She did not like what I did.  She had comments about my weight, choice in friends, what I wore, what I read, how I spent my free time.  There was little in my life she did not criticize.  As a child and a teenager and young adult, even as a real adult, it did not feel great to think that my Mother didn’t like me.  It sort of zaps your confidence.  Well, not sort of.  It  totally zaps your confidence.  And if you don’t feel confident, then you really can’t succeed at anything,  you really can’t ever be happy.  You walk around with a feeling of not being worthy of anything.  This is not a great path to be on.  It is a dizzying downward spiral.  It is a spiral that is hard to recover from.

All because my Mother never said “I like….”

We all want to be liked, especially by our parents.  Shouldn’t the assumption be that a parent likes their child?  As a Mother, I know I want my daughter to feel loved, liked and appreciated every day.  I make sure I praise her about the things she does well at, give constructive criticism if the situation warrants it, thank her when she does something nice, and tell her I love her.  (Don’t worry- I screw up a lot too- I’m sure one day she will write a blog and tell you all the horrible things I did…)  But I really try.

So here’s your homework assignment.  Really think about why you like all the people in your life.  Think about their positive attributes that draw you to them.  Tell them.  Tell the people in your life why you like them.

Here’s my list:

  1. I like it when my husband takes out dog out for the 10pm walk, because if I’m home I like to be in my pajamas by then.  He knows this is important to me, which is why he does it.
  2. I like it that my daughter comes home and takes care of school work right away.  This makes my life so easy.  I have never had the dreaded homework fight.
  3. I like my best friend S because she is a vault.  I can tell her anything and she will not even share it with her husband.  Everyone needs a friend like that.
  4. I like my friend G because she will always tell you the truth.  Sometimes I need the reality.
  5. I like my friend M because she is completely realistic.  She knows that sometimes life has to be ugly, and she will guide me through the cold hard facts.
  6. I like my friend A because she is truly the funniest, most sarcastic person I;ve ever met.  No matter what the situation, she finds the humor, no matter how dark.  I need this type of person in my life.
  7. I like my friend SF because he is willing to argue with me.  We differ on certain subjects, and he’s never afraid to engage, even though he’s always wrong.
  8. I like my friend M2 because she loves culture.  I need a friend I can go to a museum, concert or whatever with because those experiences are fun to share

I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea.

Tell someone you like them.  It really means a lot.  They will like it.

 

What Are the Conditions

A few months ago I read a thing on parenting.  The writer said that people shouldn’t tell their children “I love you”, they should tell them “I love the way you drew that picture of an elephant.” or something like that.    The theory was something along the lines of giving them specifics, but honestly, it’s been at least two months and millions of read words ago, so don’t hold me to that.  But it was something along those lines.

And yes, that thing has been in my mind, albeit the back, since I read it.  Yes.  I overthink things.  I know.  Yes.  Sometimes I wish I could shut off the switch that makes me overthink things and question every single sentence and word choice.  But that’s why I blog, so I can express the myriad thoughts that run around my brain every minute of every day.

But anyway.

I don’t think love should be conditional and/or specific.  I think it’s OK to just love someone.

Now, that being said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying to your kid,  “I love the way you get home from school, take a ten minute break, and then start your homework.”  to say to your Husband “I love the way you take the dog out on the last walk of the evening because you know I hate that 10pm walk.”  There is nothing wrong with telling the people you love why you love them. (and conversely, to nicely say, it drives me crazy when you leave wet towels on the bed)

So, here’s my point:  even if my daughter didn’t start her homework early, or my husband didn’t do the late walk, I would still love them.  My love is not conditional upon them doing those tasks.  I am still going to say I love you to them even if they don’t do them.  (though- leave enough wet towels on the bed and I might not say it too often…..)

Do you want to put conditions on love?

Do you want your someone to think that if they stop doing “X” or “Y”, you will not love them anymore?

Do you want people to put conditions on why they love you?

Do you want to constantly worry that if you stop doing something, they won’t love you anymore?

I know I don’t.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you should ever take love for granted.  Or leave wet towels on the bed.  It’s nice to be kind to those in your life, and do things they appreciate.  It’s nice to be thankful of all the little things that they do to make your life easier/better.  But that’s just kindness.  Love and kindness should not be mutually exclusive- they should be present at the same time.

Tell the people you love that you love them.   Just say “I Love You”.   I tell my daughter that every day as she leaves for school.  I want her to hear those words before she starts her day, because sometimes life sucks, and you need to know that someone is in your corner.

Tell them why you love them.  Just because it will make them feel good.

Tell them you love them even thought they leave wet towels on the bed.

The Battle of the Relationships

Sometimes my Husband drives me crazy.  There- I said it.

I think this is the case in many long term, monogamous relationships.  Usually things are great, but there are those moments.  And it’s those moments, the moments when our partners drive us crazy, that determine if a relationship will survive.

Husband and I see very differently on a particular subject.  This has been the case for our entire history together.  He thinks he is right.  I think I am.  Now, the good thing is, the catalyst for this issue doesn’t show up very often- so we don’t often experience the strife related to it.  But, the underlying root is always there.  The seed of discontent is buried deep inside.  It frustrates me that he doesn’t see and appreciate my side, doesn’t back me up, so to speak.  I know he is never going to change his stance, I know he doesn’t have the courage to.  I accept that he will never change. Until he expects me to change.  See, that’s the problem- in my mind, what’s fair is fair.  I’m not changing, he’s not changing- we just have to grit our teeth and bare it.  He doesn’t see it that way- he wants me to change.  Our fights aren’t about the issue directly- they’re about his refusal to accept who I am.

That’s where relationships falter- when one partner can’t accept the true nature of the other.  When one partner wants the other to “change”.  This is a wonderful theory- it’s just not practical or realistic.  People don’t change cause others wish it so- people change when the individual wants to.

So what do two people do?  How do they handle it?

Well, Husband and I argued quite a bit.  We had a “discussion” about the underlying issues.  When two people fight, each person goes in thinking they are 100% right.  When another person starts to poke holes in the theory, well, that’s when things have the ability to get ugly.  That’s another test of a relationship- how do the people involved fight.

My Husband likes to say- “Everyone would agree with me on this.”  First off- don’t ever use that as an argument, because unless you took a poll of everyone, this is just not valid.  There is no way to determine what “everyone” thinks. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks- everyone else is not in the relationship.  The only opinion that matters is of the two people involved.  Also, sometimes you’re wrong- sometimes others will not agree with you because your argument is just not “right”.

You can’t bring up the past.  I’m repeating that.  You can’t bring up past fights or past actions.  When you’re fighting, keep it to the situation.  If you have resentments about past actions, then you need to discuss that separately.  If a past issue is resurfacing, then you have to ask yourself if you are expecting someone to change their behavior.  Because as stated, no one changes because you want them to.  If someone did “M” three months ago, should you be getting mad if they did “M” today?  You can’t make someone change, but you can change your behavior.

Don’t put the blame on something or someone.  This is a cop out.  The chance of an outside factor being to blame is probably slim.  What’s that line, “fault is not in our stars but in ourselves”?  Take responsibility for your actions, and how your actions affect others.  Own your mistakes and miscalculations.  Accept what you did wrong and learn from it.  Try not to blame your partner.  I know this is hard- but once you start blaming people….well…how well can you recover from that?

So- to try to summarize this wandering post:

Fight fair.

Be realistic about the issue you’re fighting about.

Remember the other persons point of view.

Accept your partner as they are.

If you want change, you must be the one to change- don’t expect change of your partner, unless they are 100% on board with changing.

Listen to what your spouse is saying- they just might have a valid point/argument.

Peace!!

 

 

Stop Dragging my Heart Around

So….

I’ve been thinking about love- obviously- I wrote two posts about it last week.  And while there are many positive descriptions and feelings about it, and most people enjoy the feelings associated with it, there are plenty of negative associations.  So today, I’m going to talk about the dark side…..

Unrequited love- when one person loves someone, but the feelings aren’t reciprocated.  I once had a boyfriend.  He told me he loved me (ah swoon) and I responded in kind.  His response back was “Well, I hope so.  That’s how it’s supposed to work.”  He wasn’t being flip, but his feeling was that it’s only love if both sides feel the same way.   He felt that one sided love wasn’t love, but delusion, because love is reflective- you give and you get.  We come to the first question of the day:  is it love if it’s only one sided?

I must admit, I think this old boyfriend was right.  How can you actually love someone who doesn’t feel same way?  Sure – there could be really deep feeling….but is that love, or a crush?  If you’re constantly going above and beyond for someone who might not necessarily be doing the same thing, is it love or obsession? ( I know- we’re now starting to get into the tricky what is love area, but I’m not posting quotes today…..)  Love should be about two people sharing mutual feelings- whatever guise that is.

But at least I’ve answered the cheeseburger dilemma, as the cheeseburger does not love me back, so we can safely say that I am obsessed with cheeseburgers….

Now let’s talk about when love ends….break ups and divorce.  How does love so quickly become so devastatingly nasty?  Well, humans can be pretty crappy to one another- I think we know that.  But how can you treat someone you once loved with so much contempt?  Fighting over objects?  Being overly critical in front of your shared children?  But- I often wonder…..were the two people really in love?  (I know, I know- we’re back to the what is love question again- I can’t help it- it’s a vicious circle)

I got married youngish, and I got divorced.  My ex husband was not a good person.  He did some despicable things.  But in hindsight, I don’t think I ever loved him.  I don’t think he loved me either.  I had all sorts of stupid reasons as to why I married him, which are enough for a 3 volume set, so we’re not going to go down that road today….but suffice to say- it probably wasn’t a love match.  Now, when I actually got married I thought I loved him, but my view of love was a bit skewed, and again, all sorts of emotional baggage at work here.  So next point- if people break up, were they really in love to begin with?

What about cheating?  If you love your partner, why would you have an affair?  Sure, sex is sex- I get that-but  If you have an affair, does that mean you don’t love your partner?

So this sort of brings me to my next point- what if you talk yourself into love?  There are many reasons you might do this: you got pregnant, you want to get pregnant, you want to be married…..for whatever reason- you think that you need love to complete a goal…..Now, you might end up with the baby, or the wedding ring, but are you happy?  Should you talk yourself into “love” because it completes your to do list?

I know there are all sorts of love/ physical-emotional abuse things- but I am not qualified to talk about that.  I do not even come close to understanding the dynamics involved in relationships like this, so that subject is off the table.

So thoughts?  Questions?  What did I miss?

I’m very interested in ideas and questions that I don’t think computers can solve- for now anyway- I’m reading the new Dan Brown and am beginning to think that computers will be able to answer everything-  and RIP Tom Petty…..

Peace and love to all!  Well, maybe love.  Depends on how we define it……

 

What is Love?

The other day I made the mistake of saying that the Millennials killed love…. big mistake.  My favorite Millennial blogger schooled me about this topic- they do love, and believe in love, but….the definition of love has shifted a bit.  It’s logical when you think about it- love is fluid.  Love is undefinable.  Ask 10 people to define love, and you will get 10 different answers.  For example:

  1. John Le Carre- “Love is whatever you can still betray.  Betrayal can only happen if you love.”
  2. Pat Benatar-” Love is a Battlefield”
  3. Andy Williams- “Love is a Many Splendored Thing” (fyi- splendored means brilliant- don’t ever say my blog doesn’t teach you anything)
  4. Shakespeare- “Love is a smoke and is made with fume of sighs”
  5. Ann Landers-“Love is friendship that has caught fire.”
  6. Aristotle- “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
  7. Maya Angelou- “Love is like a virus.  It can happen to anybody at any time.:
  8. Yogi Berra-“Love is the most important thing in the world. but baseball is pretty good too.”
  9. Nietzsche- “Love is blind: friendship closes its eyes.”
  10. Plato- “Love is a serious mental disorder.”

As you can see- we humans have been discussing love for a long time- but who is right?  All of them.  Who is wrong?  None of them.  Because the definition of love resides in the heart and mind of each individual.  Each person brings in their own unique definition of love.

What’s my definition of love?  Damned if I know.  Is it looking forward to talk and spending time with someone?  Yes.  Is it thinking about them when they’re not around?  Yes.  But I think this way about cheeseburgers, so is there something more?

Sexual desire?  Is that love, or lust?  Does it matter?  Sex is sex…..(but at least I don’t think about cheeseburgers lustily, so we’re ok)

Is love wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone?   I think we all start out like this- “I’ll love you forever.”  Now, we know this doesn’t always work out…so does that mean it wasn’t really love?  Can love be temporary?  Is it still love if it only lasts a few years?  Back to cheeseburgers- I have loved cheeseburgers for the majority of my life, and I don’t see the affection waning……….

So basically, all I’ve established today is that I’m in the middle of a lifestyle change and I’m craving a cheeseburger…..

You didn’t think I had the answer to what is love, did you?

I know I have loved.  I know that I love.  I guess, love is allowing your heart to open so much that it can break.  It’s letting someone into the recesses of your soul, even though logic keeps telling you to stop.  Love is letting yourself be vulnerable- trusting someone with your essence, knowing that the other person has the ability to destroy you- but you do it anyway- because love is worth losing yourself.  To love fully is to experience the best and worst parts of life- and live to tell the tale.

So – what’s your definition of love?  remember- there are no wrong answers.