The Setting: Booth in a deli in New York City, 2017
The Players: Mother in Law, Waiter, Son, Daughter in Law
Waiter approaches table, notepad in hand:
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Mother in Law: Do you have diet black cherry soda?
Mother in Law: In the can?
Mother: Is the can cold?
Mother in Law: Very cold? Because I don’t like ice. I don’t want the soda to be made cold because of ice. I only want it if its a very cold can.
Waiter: Yes. Very cold can.
Waiter begins to walk away
Mother in Law: And make sure you bring me a cup of ice.
Waiter returns with soda, ice, and complimentary bowls of cole slaw and pickles, and quickly leaves.
Mother in law touches all six pickles in bowl. Takes one and bites it.
Mother in Law: Blah. These pickles are warm. Who serves warm pickles. Pickles are supposed to be cold.
Son: They always serve them like that.
Mother in law picks up pickle and hands it to son
Mother in law: That is NOT how a pickle is supposed to feel.
In what seems like 3 hours, but in reality is only 5 minutes, waiter returns with plate of stuffed derma
Mother in law: Can you bring us a bowl of cold pickles. Cold. Like from the refrigerator. Cold.
Waiter takes bowl of apparently ill tempered pickles.
Mother in Law: Is the derma hot? Derma has to be hot.
Son: Ma, there’s steam coming off it.
Mother in Law: Fine. If you’re sure it’s hot enough.
After another eternity seeming 5 minutes, waiter returns with corned beef, pastrami and hopefully cold pickles. He places food and sprints from table, clearly shattering the table to kitchen speed record
Mother in law touches all the pickles. But doesn’t take any.
Mother in law: Cold pickles. But is the pastrami warm? You know how I like my pastrami warm.
Mother in law rises to use rest room. Waiter chooses that moment to bus table, taking with him a touched but uneaten bowl of cold pickles.