One of my goals this year is to learn to let it go.  I tend to react negatively to people who are annoying.  I don’t think it’s great to hold onto anger, and I’m going to do my best to break this bad habit. The problem is: how do you do this?

This week I’m going to talk about some people in my life, how I felt about the situation, and how I handled it. I’m also going to try to figure out what I could do better in the future.

A few weeks ago my Husband went to a friends house to watch the college play offs.

Fine.

My Husband invited me, but honestly, sitting through one college football game which I have no alliance to is hard enough: two would be miserable. So I respectfully declined.  You know by now that I am not one of those people that is always with their spouse. I am a big believer in being an individual as well as a partner, so I am perfectly happy with my Husband having friends and doing things without me.  I know there are things that I like to do alone, or with friends.  I do not being my Husband to things that I know he will not enjoy (foreign movies, wine nights with the girls, etc…)

We have been happy with this arrangement for a long time.

Now there’s some Greek tragedy here, because behind the scenes, my Husband’s friend was goading my husband: Why doesn’t LA come to the football parties? (party being a stretch for a bunch of guys sitting in a living room eating pizza) Why doesn’t she come and hang out at the bar when we’re at a bar? (Again- I do not like sitting in bars unless there’s trivia, or arcade games, or something else to do besides drinking)

So my Husband started pushing me to go to the football thing.

I was not amused.

He kept questioning my Husband about my choice of activities.  Why did I like to go to museums? Why do I like to attend live performances? Why don’t I like to do other things?

My question: why does it matter what I like?

Why does this random guy care what I like?

Why is he giving my Husband grief about how we choose to live our lives?

Why was my Husband teetering towards peer pressure?

I got a little pissy with my husband.  Why was he more worried about what this guy thinks than what I think? Was this really something to fight about?

I calmly (seriously- I was calm) explained to my husband that if it was really important to HIM that I go to the “party” I would go.  But if it was in reaction to the comments of this “friend”, I was not going to go. I actually had a laundry list of things that I needed to get done that day (I had to proof my Daughter’s million college applications that needed to be submitted) and I did not want to be up all night.

My Husband agreed with me.

Now I admit, I think by remaining calm I kept the situation contained.  My Husband really thought about his motivation.

But you see, in the back of my mind, I’m still annoyed.  I’m annoyed that my Husband was trying to get me to do something because someone thought he was “less” of a man. I’m annoyed that this guy has the audacity to question why I do or don’t do things. I feel like he’s mocking my tastes and preferences.  I don’t know what I am going to do the next time I see him.  Honestly, I would prefer not seeing him.  I don’t need to be criticized for what I like and what I don’t like.

How do I get rid of this anger and annoyance? I’ve journaled it out- which helped a little.  I’m hoping that writing this blog today will help me.  But how do I get past this negativity that is seeping from this guy? How do I get past my Husband almost not backing me up?

As always, a work in process…

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55 thoughts on “Let it Go

  1. It has happened to me in the past and it has stressed me out so much that it affected my sleep and my health and heart problems.
    Since I am out of that relationship, I can think more clearly now
    MEN ARE IDIOTS AND WEAK WILLED. THEY GET SWAYED BY FRIENDS EASILY.
    Now when you have roof they are the weaker of the sex, your mind automatically may sympathize and not get so annoyed with him. At least I told myself that and now I am happy away from his demands about how I should be

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We have a similar situation here but via the hockey team. I don’t want to get into the particulars here, but at one point as my partner was telling me the story he suggested that he may opt out of doing the trainer job next year. I said, why? He said because he doesn’t want the drama of this parent, and unless the parent moves to another team (he’s looking, we think he may go) my partner may not return as a volunteer. My reaction was this:
    you’re giving this guy a lot of power affecting something you like to do. It should be irrelevant what the parent does or says.

    Obviously, it’s not that simple. The way things are now are hard to carry with you. You want the dynamic among your hockey family (or in your case, group of friends) to remain relaxed, not tense. So I get what you’re saying. It’s a tricky situation…

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  3. I don’t know that my advice counts, as I have not been in a relationship in years, but for me, I would just shrug it off. Who cares what this idiot says? In the end, your husband came around, and that’s all that matters. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m all in for a nice trip to the museum too. Sports has never been a big thing with me. In relationships we should honor and respect each other’s differences and preferences. Be allowed to be ourselves. That kind of pressure to conform is destructive

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      1. Of course I should clarify that when I say “annoy” I mean it in a joking way! It is fun to write them into a awkward situation as I laugh to myself. 🙂
        Now for people that seriously annoy me like the person you were talking about, well…I haven’t written a murder mystery yet but….. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. No good advice from me, other than to avoid the guy as much as possible. A positive from all this is that, with you stressing the calm conversation, your husband clearly saw the issue and your point of view. Does that mean the same thing won’t happen again? Probably not, cause men…and their buddies…and conformity…you already know this. I suppose the key is that husband continues to listen and respect your POV and perhaps you make the concession to accept that he has moron friends as long as the husband doesn’t become a moron himself. **I always knew my ex had moron friends. It was not until I realized that the ex was as much a moron as his buddies and not just letting them be morons that the real issues started!

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  6. I think you are totally justified in feeling the way you do. First of all, my question is why didn’t your husband just handle it by saying something humorous like, “She’s got too much class to want to hang out with fools like us.” And turn it into a joke. Or something like that. He could have handled it and not even bothered you with it. It’s like he made this YOUR problem instead of his or his bully of a friend. Quite honestly, I’m not a sports person either and unless it’s the hometown team I could care less about watching a game. When my husband was alive and my sons young enough to live at home, we’d watch a Dolphin games together. Any other teams I didn’t bother with. My youngest son wouldn’t care to watch either and would practice playing guitar with his band mates. Some people love sports, others don’t.
    The older son grew up and worked a decade in sports management for the Miami Dolphins and now is the director of a Hall of Fame football player’s foundation. Sports is his whole life. But, now that he’s a dad, a kids birthday party comes before a game. I’ll watch a tennis match but frankly I could care less about football. When my kids grew up I wasn’t going to ruin my weekend watching football. Yuck!
    Before it was a family thing and then it wasn’t.
    My husband would have a guy friend over or they’d watch a game at a sports bar. Who cares. I went once to the sports bar with them to eat and the loud immature male behavior was obnoxious and I never went again. I had lunch with my friends instead. Not my cup of tea.

    * This ball is totally in your husband’s court. He should tell his friend that you don’t enjoy college football. End of story. And if there’s a Super Bowl or something you can suck it up and go for a big deal like that IF you want to. But for silly inconsequential games? Nope. Think of something your husband hates to do and tell him you want him to join you. Men are thick headed sometimes. You have to spell it out for them. Gone are the days when the little wife has to do whatever her hubby does. Stand your ground. His friend is an ass and your husband shouldn’t put that on you. I’m in your corner on this!

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    1. The thing is, he’s told them this before. This isn’t like it’s a new occurrence. In my mind it’s like he’s trying to push that I’m a snob and standoffish because I pick and choose the things I attend. My time is much too valuable to do something I’m really not going to enjoy unless my husband, or whomever, states thatsits important to them that I attend….if something is truly important I go. This guy has a new girlfriend and I think he was taking her to this outing and calling it a date….which, I’m sorry, is not a date unless your date is totally into it.

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  7. When I get into a frustration loop like this, I try to stop and think about how much of my precious time (and mental energy) I have given to this person or situation. Then I set a limit: “Okay, I’m done,” or “I’ll let this bother me once more.” Then, I consciously let go. I try to imagine a broom sweeping that person out of my mind, or out my front door. As long as I continue to dwell or resent, I’m giving that person power over me. Gandhi once said, “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” Sweep the guy and his dirty feet out of your mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love the Gandhi saying. I’m going to try this and see if it works. Though( mick suggested writing a short story with a bad ending for the character…that just might get my frustrations out…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Since I am an introvert and my husband definitely is not, he goes to many places without me, especially football related. Baseball I like so I’ll usually go for that. Sometimes he’ll come home and he’ll tell me that “people” were asking where I was and why I didn’t come. He will tell them that I am working or crafting and sometimes he’ll add, “You should come next time.” I think it is more because he has a good time so he thinks I will too, not really because someone is pressuring him about where I am. I have started to attend the yearly Super Bowl parties because there are other wives there and I can chat with them but I also bring some kind of craft project to work on while I’m there. Is the other guy married? Does his wife go?

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  9. Most of the time my husband meets his friends without me. 🙂 A few of his friends made remarks about me not following but all I had to do is explain to him that I have nothing in common, so what would be the point to come along in a very intense conversation, it wasn’t smooth sailing, but after a while he did understand and that was it. One thing I did learn as I get older is that I try not to take everything so seriously anymore. Not worth it for my own sanity. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s great and healthy for couples to have separate friends. You have to be happy with yourself to be happy with a partner, and not depend on them for your happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. With regards to the husband friend, why does it matter to you if he thinks you are a snob or stand offish? For me, for folks who I don’t really know who think ill of me, that I feel says more about them than me and then feel sad for them that they feel so insecure in their own lives they need to project it on to others. So I’d forget him. With regards to your husband, yea I’d initially likely be annoyed, but after the chat you had was successful, I’d appreciate that we had the talk, and then maybe set up strategies to help husband better combat the peer pressure next time his “friend” does it so it doesn’t continue to come back on you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t care what this guy thinks of me. But that’s why he makes the comments. I’m more annoyed at the comments about me not feign at the party. That’s my decision and not for him to bring up with my husband. Totally out of bounds

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Try to tell yourself that you do not have to defend yourself to this man who is just a troublemaker. You are above that ! Sounds like your poor husband has been getting an earful from him. He might need help seeing that the man is trying to cause trouble. Some people delight in that ! You’re a great wife and have been managing fine without this man’s nosy input. Shake it off . Great people do not condescend to argue with fools.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Most likely one of the reasons you are struggling with this particular issue isn’t just because of this guy. It is also because of your husband’s reaction to it. So you actually have two separate issues here. The friend thing is really kind of out of your hands. You can choose to just not be around him and that would potentially take care of the issue with him, but then you have your husband. He probably won’t be happy about that because this guy is is friend (what a judgemental prick, BTW).

    For me, the husband issue would be huge. There are so many things that strike me in this that would be issues for me. The insecurity he seems to have in the relationship between you and him is probably the biggest. He obviously has some or the things this friend said would have just rolled right off of him instead of stuck and festered. Did he defend you when this guy was saying all this stuff? If someone pulled that with me about my Hubby, my first response would have been “Where the hell do you get off questioning this?” Did your husband honestly, on some level agree with the friend (I’m leaning towards yes or, again, it would have been a non-issue for him)? If so, why? What does that tell you?

    I may be totally off base and that is okay, but that is just what really stood out to me. Since it is something that is still bothering you, I’d say that there is an underlying issue that your conversation with him didn’t address or clear up and maybe another conversation is needed. Just some thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is actually the first time has ever mentioned something like this, because he’s made it clear that there are certain things he’d rather not attend that I do. And to me, sitting and watching a game with a bunch of people (who I don’t know) isn’t quality couple bonding time. I don’t know why my husband became washy washy this time.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I too am in a struggle to “let it go.” The reverberations of this offense pretty much obliterated the holidays for me. I have NO choice but to vent off the anger in a safe, slow, ‘insta-pot way’ so my lid doesn’t blow off and hit innocent bystanders. It’s just gonna take some time. 😡

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I wouldn’t really give this guy the time of day. There are many things I choose to not go to with my husband, and I find it somewhat empowering. The only person I owe an explanation to is him, and he is smart enough not to challenge me when I don’t want to do something.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Honestly I dont know. It seems that the more we work on ourselves, get clear on what we want, voice it and move forward the more people find fault in it? I’d be pissed too. He’s living his life and you dont question it so why does her to question yours? I dont think I could keep quiet if I saw him.

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  16. I’m wondering about the friend and why he feels it necessary to goad your husband as you describe. Something wrong in his life, perhaps, but not your problem and not worth your anger. I try to break it down when I am holding on to anger as a way of checking out my own behaviour. Doesn’t always work but I also tell myself that time is now too precious to waste on energy-sapping anger. Hope you achieve your goal on this 😑

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  17. Personally, it helps me to remember that usually people aren’t trying to annoy, or anger, or disappoint met at all…they are just being themselves. Even when they aren’t who I want or need them to be. But I also find that it helps to create boundaries with “repeat offenders” so that I am not in a position where they can hurt me so much. That makes it easier to let go of my fantasies about having them realize and admit the ways they have wronged me. Because, trust me, that’s never going to happen!

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    1. The boundary thing is sometimes hard. I’m discussing this topic all week, because my goal is to stop letting people get to me, but sometimes….I’m trying to figure out a roadmap of sorts of what to do

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  18. A glaring question for me here is, why you? Do the other guys who go not have wives? Does this guy have a wife that wants your company? Then why does she not invite you herself. I don’t want answers to the questions but you might. Or, by now since I am reading this an entire month later it’s likely long forgotten and I apologize for stirring the pot! 😖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😀 the guy making the comment is divorced, recently broke with his long term girlfriend and more recently started dating someone new. We’re at the age where a decent amount if our friends are divorced and onto new girlfriends and such. But that being the case, sometimes women just go along with what a guy says because they’re so happy they dating. I don’t march to that drummer…

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