A few weeks ago I asked the question “Can men and women be friends?” The overwhelming response was “Yes.  Men and women can be friends.” But today I’m going to throw in little twist.

Here’s three things you need to know:

  1. I’m not a particularly jealous person
  2. My Husband has female friends
  3. I think one of his female friends is husband hunting any way she can

Now here’s the scenario:  A few weeks ago, (oddly, not long after I wrote said post) my Husband went out with friends.  Well, it was supposed to be a group, but it ended up with my Husband and one woman having dinner.  The predatory woman.  I had no problem with this, because I think that men and women can be friends.

Fast forward to the next morning:  I check Facebook and there’s a picture of my Husband and Woman, and she has her arm around him and is leaning into him.  Obviously she has tagged him.

So here is where I start to have a problem.  I don’t like the way this looks.  I don’t need my daughter to see this.  I don’t trust her.  I don’t think anything is going on, because even my Husband is not stupid enough to post a pic with a woman he is fooling around with. (note to cheaters: do something incredibly stupid and you’re partner will just assume you are not that idiotic)

But I don’t like what this picture represents.  So I call my Husband.  And at first he thinks I’m crazy, and then I say: What is your Mother going to say when she see’s this picture?” And then he begins to understand my point.  And he apologizes and agrees with me and untags himself.

Fine.

Except I’m still pissed off.  But apparently I’m supposed to automatically be fine when he says that he’s sorry, while I think I’m allowed to stew for more than a minute.  He then gets mad at me because I “lack empathy” because this woman has no close friends, has no partner (divorced twice) and has a lousy relationship with her two daughters.  I ask him why he has no empathy for me, and how I feel about this whole situation.

So we end up in a fight because I don’t like his friendship with a woman. We each think the other is not being fair. I trust my Husband, but I don’t know what this woman’s thought process is.  My gut instinct is that she has an ulterior motive.  And let’s face it, I trust my Husband, but if someone is putting a plate of cookies right in front of you…

So now I question the whole man/woman/friendship thing.  I question myself, because I pride myself on being a rational person.

So today’s question is: Can a married person be friends with an unmarried person of the persuasion that they are attracted to? What do we think about the scenario when it is framed this way?

 

 

 

 

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158 thoughts on “Maybe Men and Women Can’t be Friends

  1. A question in return…why do we so easily assume that a man, your husband included in this case, is going to jump at the slightest attention given by someone not his wife? This seems more like a trust thing in general and perhaps some sort of inherent trait we as humans possess to be suspicious of threats (ulterior motives) to ourselves or significant others in our life. Some deep seated fight or flight to protect what is ours maybe so even though we outwardly are okay with idea of male/female friendship we can’t quite believe in the concept 100%…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well, to be fair, I would the same thing about a woman if a man was paying that much attention. I think no matter who you are, flattery is flattery and you can’t help respond to having someone play to your ego (remember my flirting post that got a wide variety of responses?). In this case, I don’t know what’s motivating her. I feel like she’s trying to divide and conquer if that makes sense. That’s just my instinct. I don’t know if I’m right

      Liked by 6 people

      1. Definitely it goes both ways! And I also believe in gut instinct so I doubt that you’re wrong at all. I just wonder if inherent human nature won’t allow for us to ignore those responses or instincts.
        And I am pondering all this from the standpoint of someone who claims to believe that we need to stop comparing male/female characteristics and social gender rules… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. #1trust your gut
    #2-Islam has a wise saying,”Whenever an unrelated man and woman are alone together,Satan is the 3rd one there.”
    No more dinners,drinks with out you there.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Hmm :/ funny you should mention Islam. I work with a devout Muslim colleague and he will NOT shake any woman’s hand, something to do with avoiding temptation? All good and well but this has caused a lot of upset, he refuses, women feel offended and HR have been involved…………… BUT after reading this lady’s post perhaps Islam has to be applauded for once, it takes some stick after all!…………….. Lol takes a strong willed guy to avoid temptation especially 😉 if she has two large goodies!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I have lots of married guy friends and I am single but I respect their wives and wouldn’t send him vibes that I am interested in him. If you caught that vibe Which I am sure you did hence the Facebook post… he doesn’t need to hang out with her alone. Or talk to her about it. I dunno.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It probably really is harmless on his end but I am fairly certain that I have heard more than one mental health/relationship professional say that she needs to find other peers (single/females) to work out her grievances with than a married man. Apparently she’s still learning about scruples.

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  3. LA, speaking as an unmarried woman with married friends. I work with male surgeons, we do go out for lunches. But no touchy Feely thing. I am very careful about all this. I don’t look at married men, those are my code of ethics. Life is about living it right without hurting others.
    Now when I was in a relationship, and if I knew someone ‘liked’ or was throwing herself at him, one comes to know from the vibes, even if men are clueless, then I start screeching. That is not allowed, that woman is a no-no, howmuchever I trust my guy. At the end of it, a raised flag down south is still a physiological reaction… (if you know what I mean) I am not the friendly sort anymore. And my guy was warned and I do remember me throwing choicest of swear words at him, and the woman did try to flirt with him on Facebook, well she got to hear some from me.
    Coming to your point, yes a woman and a man can be friends with so sexual attraction. But once a woman/man starts giving the vibe, they should be cut off. Not good for any relationship, trust or no trust… This is totally my opinion and this is totally for LA who will understand my view

    Liked by 4 people

    1. The problem is, he doesn’t see the vibe. He thinks she’s lonely and needs a friend. I can’t prove I’m right, he can’t prove he is….so we’re stuck in this odd limbo where we don’t see one another’s point of view

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Then kindly tell your husband women are very intuitive, we are born with a deep knowledge of what is a good touch and a bad touch… And we do recognise vibes before they do… So going by those intuition, inborn and genetic, you are right at this time.
        Secondly sometimes you have to stay firm to protect your family. So I feel

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Okay, this is a whole other ball of wax and comes down to him disregarding your feelings on this issue. Neither one of you is right or wrong exactly with regards to this woman’s behavior, but the issue is that this situation bothered you, made you uncomfortable and upset and he is disregarding that. That is not okay. Your feelings don’t necessarily need to be justified. They are what they are and he needs to figure out if he is willing to continue to hurt you and your relationship with him over someone who is only a friend (and yes, that part is questionable, but still).

        Liked by 4 people

      3. That’s exactly my problem! He’s disregarding my feelings on the subject! That’s why I got upset, because he said sorry, but wasn’t willing to listen to the rest of my feelings in the subject. There’s nothing worse than being ignored or told you’re being ridiculous. I got mad because of how he treated me. Thank you for understanding that!!

        Liked by 4 people

    2. I agree 100%. That’s not a regular friendship if there is attempt at flirting and touchy feely. Had she been a male friend would the vibe and interaction have been the same? When I am with male friends I treat them how I treat a female friend and if I get a sense that they are flirting with me I back off totally because that crosses the boundary into something else. I have had two husbands of close friends at the time totally cross the line and that was it for our friendship. We are casual acquaintances now by virtue of my friendship with their wives.

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  4. There is no such thing as a one sided friendship. Or at least, not a healthy one. What you have described is one sided. Your husband wants to be her friend and does friend things and acts like a friend. She on the other hand, isn’t acting like a friend as a friend wouldn’t be so low to post a suggestive (not sexual, but suggestive of something other than friendship) photo of them and tag him in it. That is where I think the issue lies in this scenario. I think it is a common occurrence (not that it always happens, just that it does enough to be common instead of rare) in relationships between two potentially sexually compatible individuals where one of the people in that relationship sees the relationship as more than just friends, or wants it to be more than just friends. Once you hit that point, you are no longer talking about a healthy friendship. So, I don’t be believe it is impossible for people to be friends with a gender they are normally attracted to, but both people need to be on the same level or it becomes something unhealthy.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Very well stated. You’re right….when one is attracted to another, even if it’s one sided, it becomes an unhealthy relationship. Really great comment. Thank you. Now the issue becomes, what if the person not attracted to the other isn’t aware, or doesn’t get it, because a romantic attachment is far from their mind

      Liked by 4 people

      1. That’s harder because, at least in your case, it comes down to you helping them see, but if they don’t want to see it, for whatever reason, no amount of talking and communication is going to get them to see what you do. But… talking, explaining in whatever way gets through to them, especially if the situation upsets you, is critical. Once you’ve done all you can on that front, it is up to them.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t think men and women can reliably be “just friends” when they share an attraction. That is just asking for trouble if one or both are attached. However, I do have male friends- they might be attracted to me, but as long as I am not attracted to them, it’s no big deal. Also, I don’t tend to hang out with dudes that are involved with someone else one on one. That would be weird for me, and I would think it would be weird for them, no? It seems…I don’t know, uncool. Now yes, eating lunch at work? I’ve done that, it’s a different environment. But out in the world? Mmm…not so much. Of course, each situation is different, but generally, no. Trust your gut. It doesn’t steer you wrong.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Hmm, i have male friends that i am close to but there hasn’t been any attraction whatsoever and these are people i have known since i was 2-15 years old. I am married and have had dinner with them, while they have been in their own relationship. Our friendship is about friendship, we don’t really take pictures and post on social media because of first of all, i don’t really care about social validation and second people would try to make assumptions. My husband knows them too and is ok about it.

    In the situation you mentioned clearly she is wanting the attention and “husband hunting” so it makes sense you are pissed about it. If that happens again maybe you have clear expectations with your husband that you aren’t ok with this and he should say no to posting photos?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. To be fair, he did admit that the photo posting was bad, and he did say that it will not happen again unless it’s a group situation. I hate to be so catty about this, but it just doesn’t sit well with me

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  7. Maybe you can trust your husband, but can you trust the intentions of the other woman?

    I was involved in a community theater show many years back. There was an attractive married woman who commented to me after meeting my husband that he was so hot that she would do a little lap dance for him. I disliked her after that. Later she was cast as the wife of my husband in a show and I was their maid. I was so pissed. I was jealous, but it served a purpose…a warning something wasn’t right. Normally I don’t respond that way.

    In the end, that woman left her husband for another man in the theater. I wasn’t surprised since I knew she would’ve taken my husband if she could.

    Your husband might have good intentions, but how do you trust the other person?? Then do you say this person is okay and this one is not?

    Plus posting pictures online of the two alone together is definitely a no no. I agree some people will be questioning.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. The problem I would have is…When your husband saw it was just the two of them, why did he stay? She doesn’t sound like safe company. Social media kills relationships. I would have ‘tagged’ her upside the head. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. He really didn’t think twice about going to dinner with her, and honestly, I think men and women should be able to dine as friends, but there’s something about her intentions that I don’t trust

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well….I am sure he didn’t think anything of it, but it sounds like she is on the hunt for more than a friend. There again, I’m sure your hubby would back her off if need be.

        I believe we can be friends, which is how every lasting relationship begins. It’s when the friendship line is crossed that one of two things happen. It will either evolve into something more, or it scares them away. My experience anyway. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. wow! you’re kinda feisty. I like it. 😉

    the fact of the matter is you feel threatened by this woman and feel vulnerable. you don’t like the idea that this woman is preying on your husband and you’re somewhat miffed that he doesn’t see things like you see them. personally, I think the thoughts going thru your head angered you and whether by design or not you ended up taking it out on your husband.

    I think your gut feel is accurate only your husband is like most guys (me included) in as much as they are oblivious to the flirt games that this woman is playing. I think he just looked at it as dinner and being friendly and nothing more and is shocked by your reaction. no biggie. just hug him and smooch him and tell him why you feel threatened by her and then have massive quantities of make-up sex.

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    1. Your first paragraph is dead accurate. I was mad and did take it out on him, but more because he doesn’t see things my way, which we know is the right way. We’ve reached a sort of detente…but it’s not the best of times…

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  10. There’s no doubt in my mind that:
    1) Unmarried people of either sex can have genuine and deep friendships with married people of the opposite sex, and
    2) A woman who betrays another woman by making a play for that woman’s husband is pathetic, untrustworthy, and certainly stupid. A man who’s going to cheat on his wife is going to cheat on the person he cheated on her for. Same goes for men going after married women: lowlifes

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  11. 😀 Oh LA I LOVE relationship conundrum posts like these, I would say your husband perhaps didn’t spot her ulterior motives? Cause we (men) ain’t the ‘sharpest tools in the box’ when it comes to women, AND you are correct not to trust that woman if your feminine instinct has you worried btw your husband sounds a lovely guy. Now to your question, a married guy attracted to an unmarried woman both fancying each other!……………. I’m afraid to say 99.9% positive they’ll end up in bed together. I’m attracted to my married neighbour over the road (I’ve seen her undressing long story!!) we’re good friends no more but I often muse I wouldn’t say no, their children have flown the nest and well…, HOWEVER I wouldn’t enter into an affair because I like her husband and consider him a very good friend, cheating on him would be nasty and wrong…………perhaps women are different. One last thought that woman is predatory, some women are, men shouldn’t take all the rap, so don’t trust her. Great post I’m gonna go and read all the other comments now. (Being serious you are right to be angry, jeeze your daughter!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for last line. That was my chief concern…it just doesn’t look right! Great comments though and interested in hearing all your thoughts on the matter! And thanks for accepting that my instinct might be correct

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  12. My thoguhts:
    -Nah. Nope. Absolutely not. I don’t like it lol
    -There is just too much room for opportunity (not that your husband would, but still why play with fire?)
    -I don’t think you lack empathy.
    – The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
    -There are billions of people on the planet. A lot to choose from. If she needs a friend (a close, intimate relationship) pick someone who doesn’t have a wife.
    -A picture says a thousand words (and some of those words may not be the truth if others are telling the story)

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  13. I find your choice of words interesting. She has no friends. No relationship. Isn’t close with her daughters. Doesn’t this put up a red flag for your husband? No. Because he feels sorry for her. That’s how these women suck men in and the men dont realize it. I agree with you. This woman is trouble. Your husband needs to get her claws out of him and stay way from her.

    Liked by 5 people

      1. I think that men are programmed to solve problems. Your husband probably doesn’t realize that he’s being sucked in. He is just trying to help which is a great quality…just not in this situation. Good luck guiding him gently away from her clutches

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  14. This is a great post with some thoughtful and thought provoking comments.
    I believe men and women can be friends. I’ve always had male friends and one of my daughters has mostly men friends because she works in a male dominated field. The caveat which this post centers on, is if one of the 2 people has thoughts of taking the friendship to a different level. This woman is clearly not afraid to publicly show her true colors. Regardless of the trust you have in your husband, she should be kept at a distance.

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  15. It’s a slippery slope. I don’t think a group of friends is problematic but why tempt fate? I’d say meetings alone with the opposite sex makes any spouse uncomfortable. That’s just how it is. I remember when I was younger and divorced, if a group of friends got together women just assumed I’d be after their husbands even though that was the last thing on my mind. Then in later years as a widow some women still thought the same thing if colleagues got together. Hard to believe since I’m in my 60’s, but single women of any age are often threatening to married women. It’s just how it is. Again, the LAST thing on my mind, but I understand and if the shoe was on the other foot I’d feel the same way. I think the rule should be simple. Groups of friends ok, alone time no. That way nobody gets the wrong idea and nobody gets hurt. My first husband cheated on me and I would never do such a thing. But there are men and women who lack boundaries. The safest way is is to keep friendly get together in groups. End of story. Alone time is not really a good idea.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hate the thought that men and women can’t hang out together, but it’s hard to know what’s going on in anyone’s heads…if my guy friend who lives in San Fran came to town, I’d like to be able to go to dinner with him without raising any eyebrows, but who knows…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I would think you should be able to see your guy friend. Perhaps the difference is when it’s a regular thing. Married people meeting a single friend frequently appears suspicious as opposed to just a now and then catch up get together. Quite honestly I was cool with it all and then found out hanky panky went on in my first marriage.. Also I recently reconnected with an old guy friend quite by accident. We were close back in the 70’s and we met for a nice innocent lunch. (I made sure to tell him to run it by his wife first.) He said he did. He kept going on and on about how I didn’t have wrinkles and his wife, because she smoked, didn’t age well. Then I got uncomfortable. He asked if I’d go to some political lectures now and then with him because his wife didn’t enjoy those. Again I said not unless his wife was ok with it. Because I am politically active I didn’t mind. We were scheduled to go to a lecture and I got sick and couldn’t reach him on his cell to cancel. I called his house and talked to his wife. She had no idea who i was so he obviously hadn’t spoken to her about me. I told her we were old friends and I was sorry that he was supposed to have informed her and said nothing was going on, but she was NOT happy. He obviously called me later really ticked off. I gave him hell and told him I didn’t like players and that was that. So you never really know where people are coming from. Your husband was honest at least so be glad of that.

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  16. I’ve had two instances of this exact thing. Fortunately for me both of the times the other woman was not in our state so I know nothing “happened.” My husband is very sympathetic to the downtrodden and both of these women had great sob stories. One even told him she was dying and just wanted to experience being married before she died! The other one was a friend of his from before we were married and she was divorced, living at home with her parents, had some sort of medical condition and was miserable. She found my husband through facebook and was looking to see if he had her ex-husband’s contact info. Long story short, there was a lot of texting going on. I pay the phone bill so I could see how much there was and at all hours of the day so I said something. He said he was just trying to make her feel better. I put my foot down and said her or me. Men are weak and a little gullible and while things may start just as sympathy friendship, they may not always stay that way. Trust your instinct, but since you’ve already had the conversation about it with him and he partially sees that there could be misinterpretation of the situation, let it go for now. If you stew about it or keep bringing it up, it may push him toward the other direction because for sure she will give him sympathy if he has a nagging wife!

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  17. Interesting read. Men and women should be able to be friends and in most cases they can be. However this woman with two ex husbands and no friends! Sounds like trouble and you are right to be upset. Posting a photo on facebook of just the two of them smacks of her provoking a response. And you are right to point out how that looks to your daughter and to his mother. Your husband ought to have known better, but after pointing it out to him, he now understands how you feel. He should also understand that It is not enough for him to say there is nothing going on, if the outward appearance to the general public is that they are an item.

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  18. She might be lonely. So what. Tell him to buy her a cat. Then she won’t be lonely. I’m a widow. I get lonely sometimes. But I don’t fill up my loneliness with other women’s husbands I joined book clubs, Democratic groups, volunteer in after school programs, write a blog, and I bought a rescue cat to fill the void. Guess what?. I stopped being lonely. Men are idiots. Tell him to volunteer that time at a nursing home and help lonely Alzheimer’s patients. Sheesh.

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  19. Short answer? No. Long answer? Also no.
    There are women (and men) who feed on those who are unavailable- either because they are married or in a committed relationship. It’s not a matter of whether you trust your husband, which you obviously do. It’s a matter of this woman introducing a possibility that was not there before she came along. She can do it with nuance and pretend like it’s no thing. And that ain’t cool.

    Women and men can be friends, of course. But as you’ve outlined here, there is context. There’s always context.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. You said ‘a woman’ instead of ‘this woman’ . Clearly it’s “this” woman specifically you have an issue with. So technically he can be friends with women in general but because of how this woman is and how it makes you, his wife, feel, it’s a non-brainer to me. And should be to him too.

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  21. This woman has painted herself as a damsel in distress. I don’t trust her motives for that reason. I know way too many relationships that have ended because of that dynamic. And the damsel doesn’t necessarily have to be female….I have a single male friend who paints himself as being lonely and alone. I’ve told him more than once that I’m not his rescuer.

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  22. I don’t go for hard and fast rules but there’s a lot to be said for listening to your instincts. If it feels wrong, even if you can’t put your finger on why, then it’s a no go. Try again with your husband and hopefully he’ll understand why your needs must come before his friend’s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly…our biggest relationship issue is his putting the needs of others ahead of mine. This is an avenue we’ve been down before. He doesn’t see my point of view at all in regards to this. You hit on the exact underlying issue that made me the most mad

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  23. It’s definitely risky even if you think they both are trustworthy. People just make mistakes too often. Accountability is key. Group encounters only . But I admit I have a male friend that I run with alone . He’s in a relationship ,but still . I have to watch out for wrong thoughts and he does, too . I’m glad you said something now and got the conversation started . It will keep him on his toes .

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  24. I don’t think anyone can generalize. I do believe it is possible to have good friends of the opposite sex and there not be any ulterior motives. I suppose it comes down to trust and having good communication with your partner. 🙂

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  25. No. No. No. been there done that with this song with my own husband. And yes he is completely clueless to signals. And even women are this way as well. I’ve gotten to where I twist the situation around to where he HAS to think about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and it usually works because he does think about how HE would feel if I were the one doing the same thing or letting this happen.

    On a different note, TL (The Little) just saw the kitty in the picture and her response “oooooh how cuuuuute, tell her I like her kitty” in true 6 yr old animal lover style. Including the squeal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Both men and women can be either player in this scenario…I’ve seen it both ways. I think he understands some things, but not really my feelings. It’s tough.
      But thanks on the cat comment! I love my cat!!

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  26. I think it’s certainly possible to have platonic friendships between men and women. But my own experiences are nonetheless mixed on that score. With age and reflection now as my guide, I vote against it because it’s always too fraught for complications. I don’t trust this woman friend of your husband. Posting a picture like that to social media belies a message she’s trying to convey, – Marty

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  27. I think it is more than reasonable for you to ask your husband to stop seeing this woman. It clearly seems that she has more than friendship in mind. If she is lonely, she can meet people doing volunteer work.

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    1. I don’t like the idea of telling him what to do. I wouldn’t want to be told what to do. I thin’ his intentions are fine, so it’s a weird situation

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      1. Agreed, you are both free to do what you wish . In reality, whomever he chooses to go out with is not your business, (just as what you choose to do is not his business either). Whether or not you like or do not like this woman is irrelevant. Your business is the children and protecting them from his train-wreck life x

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  28. Let me go with H to the N on the whole male / female friends situation (He!! to the Nooooo!), but I’m going to explain why I say this (and that’s so unexpected of me – I know). The problem that I have is that being a human leaves every single one of us emotionally off-kilter or vulnerable at times. And when we are feeling moderately bleh to significantly bad, our close relationships can get somewhat roughed up. We get snappy or frustrated with our partners, and we start to idealize the relationships that we see outside of our own. We aren’t on the prowl per se, but it’s not unimaginable to gravitate toward someone who makes us feel safe and happy and free of worry. Please note that I can be the perfect woman around anyone whom I see or speak with for 20 minutes a day. It’s a little tougher to maintain that standard when I am around them for 20 years. Being married means that you get the whole package – for better or worse – but feel good friendships let you leave off the latter. You don’t have to worry about body problems, financial challenges, in-laws, or just plain waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Marriage strips away the veil and there’s a truckload o’ unsexy ready to view each day. The other can stay in Fakebook setting – unreal and sugar-coated with a lack of reality.

    Although I do know that there definitely are situations where opposite sexes or gay people can be friends with each other, how do maintain that inner compass and keep genuine instinct off the table? This situation is especially rife with red flags if only for this description alone —> this woman has no close friends, has no partner (divorced twice) and has a lousy relationship with her two daughters. If that is the truth, she is going to be starved for attention and will get it wherever she can find it. DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! And this will land me in hot water with many readers but it’s true – most men are clueless when they are being hunted. Women see the small things and know how to be subtle. Men are easy prey to female inception.

    Stand strong on this. I wouldn’t go on the attack if you can avoid that approach because he will tune you out. But it is critical that he understands that this wouldn’t be acceptable for you and another man anymore than it is acceptable for him and that predator. And make no mistake about it – she is a predator with claws. Without question. She may not even be aware of what she is doing, but that sounds very un-female if so. This woman is dangerous and needs to be booted to an alternate jungle.

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    1. I think it’s hard for people with honorable intentions to understand the motivation of those without. When you can’t fathom something for yourself, you have trouble believing that another person could act that way. And like you said, right now it’s white noise if I keep talking about it. Hopefully he’ll learn….very insightful and great commentary as always!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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      1. The funny thing is that we aren’t talking about bad people. We are just talking about people. Real relationships go through ups and downs. It’s natural. You just don’t want to have a shiny object in the wings when you might be in a funk. But maybe that’s just me. (Btw it’s not just me but that seemed like a disclosure some might want to read.) 😉

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  29. I play golf with a male friend all the time, so I think men and women can be just friends. But I don’t like the posting of this picture on social media at all. It’s weird and sending the wrong message to people, especially you. What was the point? Your husband’s intentions are honorable, but this woman sounds like she’s on the prowl.

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  30. Ok, she has no friends twice divorced, yes I would be a little worried. She either posted the photo to either get your attention in hopes it would cause a problem between you and your husband or she is that deluded that she thinks the dinner meant something more than dinner, either way she needs help. Perhaps you could go out with them and take along a single male friend, a little bit of matchmaking might work a treat.

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  31. I believe men and women can be friends… BUT it depends on who the individuals are. Not everyone is capable of these relationships. I’m not the jealous type either, and the men I maintain relationships with have the same attitude about crossing the line. That being said, I’m sorry to hear about your dilemma, and advise you to follow your instincts. It could also be that your husband is in denial, but our responsibility as married people is to ensure that damaging temptations don’t get the best of us. I wish you well.

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    1. I think it’s possible if both parties are on the same page. If one isn’t, I don’t know if I call it a friendship. In theory I think that men and women can be friends. In practicality, I don’t know how well it works if one is in a relationship.

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  32. Yes, they can. The problem isn’t “married man attracted to women who is friends with a single woman.” The problem is “my husband defending a single woman flirting with him when it makes me unhappy.”

    You say you trust your husband. If that’s true, presumably you trust him not to fuck around on you even if someone offers. If you don’t trust him that much, that’s a different issue.

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    1. Here’s the thing…I trust him to a point….if someone keeps flaunting themselves in front of you, I think anyone is capable given any situation. And no matter what I think, I don’t need my daughter to see pics of some woman draped over my husband.

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      1. Granted on the daughter thing. Do you trust him to avoid getting into a situation where he’s being flaunted at? To think “wow, this woman is actually kind of hot, perhaps I will be a responsible human and cut back on contact for a bit?”

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      2. Granted on the daughter thing. Do you trust him to avoid getting into a situation where he’s being flaunted at? To think “wow, this woman is actually kind of hot, perhaps I will be a responsible human and cut back on contact for a bit because I don’t want to do anything stupid?” (Possibly if you tell him this specifically is your concern?)

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      3. Okay, and that’s a valid concern, but it’s not what you’re really worried about, right? I believe you that he’s oblivious, but that means he misses some information. It doesn’t mean that he’s incapable of acting on it responsibly when it’s pointed out.

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      4. Sure. But before a few drinks, people can decide to not *have* a few drinks, because they’ve already thought about the situation. In the words of Captain Awkward, you can totally end up on the Couch of Plausible Deniability at ten minutes past “oh geez I missed the last bus”. But you can also set an alarm on your phone so you don’t miss the last bus, or make sure you have cab fare, or not go over in the first place.

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      5. I love the philosophy of that, but I also know that there’s a whole lot of grey space between what should and what does….I think anyone can screw up at any time. That’s what makes us human. I know I’ve screwed up by letting my guard down, or not thinking. I’ve definitely done stupid things. The problem is when ones stupid actions affect someone else

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  33. Wow! I’ve been busy and hadn’t had a chance to catch up until now. I’m feeling for you in this situation. My husband came home the other day with his new shorts ripped part way across the upper crotch area and part way down the leg, just one long rip with strings hanging out. Bad part is he doesn’t wear underwear so his hands were covering his front to hide “things” away. And the really bad part is I asked him where he was and he said across the street visiting the new female neighbour and that he tripped and fell. Sure he does a bit of a balance issue and has fallen before so maybe it’s true and it’s nothing to worry about. Sure he’s been in past relations where his woman has cheated on him so he should remember how it feels to be the one cheated on and not want to make anyone else feel that bad. Sure I have a tendency to think the worst a lot of the time, and maybe that is just the case here. But I really don’t know what to think. hugs

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  34. I believe men and women can be acquaintances but NOT friends. Here’s why. A close friend of the opposite sex will always have the potential for becoming something more. A close friend is understanding, they know you, they know your likes and dislikes and anyone that has been married for a long time knows that a good relationship starts with a good friendship. Ephesians 4:26,27 says, “Be wrathful, but do not sin; do not let the sun set while you are still angry; do not give the Devil an opportunity.” Something like this isn’t about trusting your mate it’s about not allowing the opportunity for something to happen. If this woman is a close friend and he defends her, knowing her current family situation and the fact she’s been divorced twice, she will be on his mind whether he realizes it or not. It doesn’t take much for men to feel sorry for themselves and start looking for affection elsewhere. A man can love you with all his heart, lose his job, feel rejected in some way, or you have a fight and it opens the door for something to happen. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be honorable among all, and let the marriage bed be without defilement.” We all know if we place our hand on the stove we’ll get burned. If we want to avoid getting burned at all costs we don’t even get close enough for it to happen. Same rule applies in this situation. This woman might not want your husband but out of respect for you and the family he should close the door of something potentially happening. You trust your husband but her intentions are questionable. He shouldn’t spend time with her without you present.

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  35. Personally, if there is an attraction on either side, I don’t think it’s a good idea. It builds over time and often starts to become inappropriate. I have male friends who are in relationships and they sometimes will pull away. And I get it. I don’t take it personally because they’re respecting their significant other. We’re still friends, but they tend not to communicate as often when they’re in a relationship.

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  36. I’ve been in this situation before. I hooked up on Facebook with the woman I lost my virginity to. It was over 15 years ago at least since the last time I had a reasonable conversation with her, and we didn’t part as good friends when our relationship ended. But, one lonely night she added me as a friend and we got talking again. There was nothing in it, I’m deeply in love with my wife, and I was only interested in seeing what she had done with her life. I’m interested in people — it’s a “me” thing.

    Anyway, I tell my wife about it the next day and she immediately feels uncomfortable. Even although I told her there was nothing in it she was questioning why she would want to be friends with her. You know what I did? I blocked her after about 15 minutes of speaking to my wife. I’ll be honest and tell you that I really didn’t like blocking her because I was interested in how she was, but my wife’s emotional safety was more important to me. My wife has sacrificed a lot in her life to secure my emotional safety, the least I could do is delete some woman I barely knew and hadn’t talked to in over 15 years.

    Sometimes we minimise each other, men and women. We palm each other’s concerns off like it was nothing. We don’t mean it, because to us it’s not important, but what we don’t realise is that it’s important to our partners, and that can be BIG a few months down the line.

    Feeling safe in a relationship breeds a lot of trust!

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